“

-We get a video package highlighting last week’s show.

-Tenay and West welcome us to the show.

JOE SPEAKS
Joe and Nash come to the ring, which has a cage set up. Joe says he comes here tonight with a proposition. Let’s throw out the refs and the rules, and at Hard Justice let’s have a Six-Sides of Steel match.

Booker T and Sharmell come to the ramp and he has something to say. Booker says he cannot believe this. He was in the back, minding his own business, sitting with his wife, sipping on some champagne, THE BEST mind you. And then he hears Joe yapping his fat ass gums talking about Hard Justice. Last week he jumped from an ambulance, scaring Sharmell. His daddy always said that shows that he is scared. He used to have a drum major in high school, so let’s add tables, ladders, chairs, and some stuff to mess up Joe’s punk ass. He’ll be back later with a contract with a contract for them to sign. Be afraid of the dark Joe…be very afraid.

-TO THE BACK as JB is with Cage, AJ and Rhino. They discuss Sting and AJ doesn’t believe it. AJ has been hearing about it for 2-weeks, and he knows Sting did what he did to Joe for a reason. AJ trusts and believes in Sting. Cage then says that Sting will go through a table if he shows up tonight. Cage reminds AJ what 3D did to them, and promises anyone on the other side is an enemy. It isn’t about wrestling anymore. Rhino says not to get sucked in and leaves.

-Tenay and West hype the show some more.

-We get a video package for Sting.

Consequences Creed vs. Eric Young vs. Jimmy Rave w/Lance Rock vs. Johnny Devine

Creed and Devine to begin as Rave and Eric pair off. Eric to the floor, Devine in control of Creed and gets a nee charge. Rights by Creed, an uppercut levels Devine. Off the ropes and a sidekick by Rave gets 2. Eric tosses Rave to the apron and they brawl, but Rave with an STO on the apron. Hoyt in and attacks Creed, but Creed manages the CREED-DT. SENTON DIVE by Creed takes out Devine and Rave! Rave back in with Eric, rights by Eric, Devine in and takes down Eric. Eric fights back against Devine and Rave, Irish whip and Eric with the Flair flip, Devine levels him. Creed with a roll up on Rave for 2. Tilt a while by Rave, ROCK THE WORLD gets 2 as Eric stops that. DVD by Eric! 1…2…Devine makes the save. DEVINE INTERVENTION by Devine gets 2 as Creed makes the save. Jabs by Creed, split and the big right to Devine. Creed-dt countered, intervention countered and Creed with a roll up for the win!

Winner: Consequences Creed @ 5:00 via pin
# This was a basic TV match, and too short to be anything special, but it was fun while it lasted.
RATING: *½

-Devine, Rave and Rock all beat down Creed after the match. Devine has a chair, but here comes Abyss. PRINCE JUSTICE TO THE RESCUE~! Abyss cleans house, CHOKESLAM on Rave! Black hole slam on Rock! He grabs the chair…but drops it and leaves.

-TO THE BACK with Team 3D and Angle. JB is there and they lay him on a table, and Ray says he has a pretty mouth. Um…ok. They discuss the tables match and Ray says they are always ready for their specialty. There is no Santa, OJ is innocent and Sting is with them; he’s a scumbag, just like them. Angle is a gold, silver and bronze medallist in being a scumbag. Devon says he doesn’t lie, they tries to make things easier, so tonight, Sting will be here and without a doubt he will shock the world. Angle says this is no surprise. Sting understands everything, and then tells AJ there are no heroes in this world, just people like them. He will picture AJ in bed with Karen as he puts him through a table. It’s damn real.

-We get a video history of KAZ in TNA, all about him missing opportunity.

KAREN’S ANGLE
Kaz is her guest this week. She thanks Kaz for being here, and he discusses his start in the business. He trained with Killer Kowalski, and he thanks him for everything he has achieved. Bret Hart always influenced him and was an idol. Karen says he was with TNA in the beginning, and the early days were crazy days and he never knew what would become. He made good friends, and developed as a person. Kaz discusses leaving TNA for WWE, but he learned about the ugliness of the business. He hates that side of the business. Wrestling is his passion and what he loves. TO BE CONTINUED NEXT WEEK!

-Taylor stretches backstage.

Matt Morgan vs. Trevor Chavis

They circle, Morgan stares him down and they lock up and Morgan tosses him across the ring. They discuss Morgan on Gladiators and he continues to destroy Chavis. Morgan chokes him in the ropes, charging leg to the back of Chavis and then the apron leg drop ala Taker. Running boot by Morgan, back in now and Chavis rakes the eyes. Rights to Morgan, off the ropes and a HUGE bicycle kick by Morgan kills Chavis. Morgan with a corner splash and then finishes it with the HELLEVATOR for the win.

Winner: Matt Morgan @ 2:00 via pin

-Lauren is with the Machineguns. Sabin says that Beer Money like to act tough, where in reality they are a dumb chubby cowboy and a prick with a ponytail. Shelley and Sabin agree that they would nail Jackie. Tremendous. They claim they are the future, and that Beer Money is a made for DVD movie with Zack Morris. Detroit is a violent city, a MURDER city. They were born and bred there, and tonight they plan to point and shoot with the straps. They are the Motor City Machineguns, the greatest tag team on professional wrestling and will take them out tonight.

-Lauren is with Sharky, Curry Man and Super Eric. They are making plans for the PRICE JUSTICE club. They want to make up a motto, and Sharky wants to make good merchandizing choices. Super Eric says, “We come in peace, they leave in pieces.” Curry Man approves, he RIKES IT. Sharky loves it too. Yeah.

Strap Match: The Motor City Machineguns (Sabin and Shelley) vs. Beer Money (Storm and Roode) w/Miss Jackie Moore

Back from commercial and we begin. They are connected at the wrists with the straps, Storm and Roode are both wearing the green trunks now, nice touch. The Guns strap away at Beer Money, Roode tries to run and is slammed back into the post. Same for Storm. To the floor we go, Shelley ties up Storm and slams him to the post repeatedly. Sabin slams Roode to the railing, and then chokes him out. Back in the ring they go and a neck breaker by Sabin gets 2. Shelley and Storm back in, double team by the Guns and they are in complete control. Camel clutch variant by Shelley, Jackie distracts them and he breaks. The crowd is hot for the Guns, as they continue to control the match. They crotch Beer Money with the straps in a great comedy spot and continue the beat down. Shelley up top and Jackie tosses him off. Roode gets a spinebuster on Sabin and Beer Money takes control. Roode and Sabin to the floor as Roode beats him down. Storm lays the boots to Shelley, and covers for 2. Storm now chokes him out as Sabin is tossed to the apron. Storm to the apron, Roode dropkicks Shelley and Storm covers for 2. Double suplex on Sabin. BEER…MONEY! Double slams by the heels, to the corners and the Guns get atomic drops Clothesline to Roode, one for Storm. They slam them repeatedly to the corners, the tie them up! Double kicks to Beer Money, and then Roode gets slammed into the crotch of Storm. They get slammed together, double wishbone by the Guns! Jackie is in and tries to break it up and gets trapped in the middle. The ref takes her out, she wants to stay and Shelley gets tossed into the ref. Jackie gives Storm handcuffs and Storm LAYS out Sabin. Roode covers and that is all.

Winners: Beer Money @ 8:15 via pin
# That was a really fun match, good comedy as well as sound spots with the straps. LAX, Beer Money and The Guns on the outside are three great teams to build the division around.
RATING: **½

-After the match Shelley gets beat down as well. He gets whipped until LAX makes the save.

-Ike Taylor and James Farrior from the PITTSBURGH STEELERS are in the crowd!

TNA Knockouts Title Match: Taylor Wilde © vs. Velvet Sky

Taylor Wilde rolls her up and wins. That’s all. BWAHAHAHA!

Winner: Taylor Wilde @ 0:05 via pin

Sky complains that she wasn’t ready, and dares Taylor for another match.

TNA Knockouts Title Match: Taylor Wilde © vs. Velvet Sky

Back in, Sky attacks and Taylor gets another roll up for the win! It doesn’t take long for Sky to get on her back, eh? (CREDIT: STEVE COOK) BWAHAHAHAHA!

Winner: Taylor Wilde @ 0:20 via pin

-Angelina Love is OFFENDED by this and says Taylor is dating someone in TNA to get special treatments. Love says she has $5,000 that says Taylor won’t get back in there.

TNA Knockouts Title Match: Taylor Wilde © vs. Velvet Sky

They brawl on the floor, backing and rights by Taylor. Irish whip, reversal and a cross body by Taylor misses. Sky covers for 2. Rights by Sky, chokes Taylor and then tosses her to the floor. Love lays the boots to her, Sky distracts the ref and then goes to the floor. Sky slams her to the apron, back in and Sky covers for 2. Chops by Sky, octopus hold now applied and she BITES her arm! The ref busts her, and Taylor rolls her up for 2. Clothesline by Sky and a cover for 2. Off the ropes, and Sky gets a hand full of hair and slams down Taylor. Both ladies are down and working to their feet, leg kicks by Taylor, rights by Sky. Forearms by Taylor, chops, off the ropes and a clothesline by Taylor. Another, forearms now and then a dropkick and a cover for 2. To the corner, monkey flip by Taylor. She kicks Love, northern lights to Sky gets 2 as Love draws the DQ making the save,.

Winner: Taylor Wilde @ 4:00 via DQ
# While she is a great character along with Love, keeping Sky’s in ring time limited is for the best. Taylor getting the quick wins was a crowd pleaser, and the Beautiful People still were able to keep some heat afterwards.
RATING: *

-The Beautiful People beat down Taylor and brown bag her. ODB and Gail Kim are out and chare the ring. ODB eats a turkey leg and spits it at Sky. They clear the ring and check on Taylor.

-We get a video package for Sheik Abdul Bashir, formerly known as Daivari. He is royalty you see, he overcame the odds against a racist society to be an American who made good on his life. But while he is treated poorly, he is actually more of an
American than we are.

-JB was at the hospital with Sonjay. The GURU-ITES are there and so is Val. He says Jay did this with the “chair shot” from last week. He asks about the replay and she says she didn’t watch it because she hates violence. He had been in a coma for three days thinking of her. He offers to apologize, and she says they need to put it behind them. The doctor brings a bedpan and they leave. Sonjay has a ring, in order to propose. That sly dog.

Tag Team Tables Elimination Match: AJ Styles, Christian Cage and Rhino vs. Kurt Angle and Team 3D (Brother Ray and Brother Devon)

Team Good Guys go on the attack at the bell. Cage and Angle pair off in the ring, they trade chops as Rhino and Devon brawl in the crowd. Back elbow by Cage, 2nd rope uppercut connects as well. Unprettier countered into the ankle lock. Cage escapes, to the apron and a kick by Cage sends Angle to the floor. Ray and AJ in the ring, dropkick by AJ and then a PLANCHA to the floor to wipe out Ray. They brawl all around the building now. Rhino is tossed into a wall as Cage bites Angle. Devon has a cable and chokes out Rhino. Cage and Angle back in the ring, AJ in as well and they double-team Angle. Double suplex on Angle, Ray and Devon back in and so is Rhino. 3D in control, reverse 3D to Rhino and Ray now goes for a table. Devon out as well, they get a table but Cage and AJ dropkick it into their faces. AJ and Ray back in, AJ sets up the table, Ray is up and Rhino moves the table, saving AJ. Rights by Rhino to Ray, but Devon pulls him to the floor. Ray has a new table, Devon in and they have AJ. Chops by Ray, lays AJ on the table and Devon tot hr 2nd rope…Cage in to make the save and Rhino back in They set up the table and they flapjack Devon through the table! Devon is gone @ 5:00. Superman forearm by AJ to Ray! Cage with a trashcan shot to Ray. GORE by Rhino! They good guys stand tall until Angle comes in with a chair. He lays them out and we head to a commercial @ 6:00.

Back from commercial @ 9:00 with Ray and Angle in control. Rhino gored himself through a table and was eliminated. Dumb ass. Cage cleans house, takes down Angle and then gets a table. He sets it up and Angle fights back, but Cage lays him on the table. Cage up top and Devon is back and crotches Cage! Angle distracts the ref, 3D OFF OF THE ROPES through the table and Cage is eliminated @ 11:00. Ray and Angle beat down AJ and do some celebrating. Off the ropes, double clothesline by AJ. PELE to Ray! AJ gets a table as someone yells PUT HIM IN A BODY BAG~! AJ sets up a table, Ray begs off and Devine is in, tosses powder and Ray take sit. Ay powerbombs Devine through a table, AJ dropkicks Ray to the floor and as Ray tries to come back into the ring, AJ sidesteps Angle who slams into Ray, putting him through a table @ 13:00.

AJ and Angle are left, AJ fights him off and gets a table. He slides it in the ring and sets it up. Rights by AJ, lays Angle on the table and goes up top. Frank Trigg is out and NAILS AJ with the kendo stick! Angle grabs AJ, Angle slam through the table and that is all!

Winners: Angle and Team 3D @ 15:20
# A fun match, not as good as the PPV but a really good TV main event. Trigg screws AJ again, which should lead to his wrestling debut.
RATING: ***

-Booker walks in his pimp robe.

THE BOOKER T/SAMOA JOE CONTRACT SIGNING
Booker and Sharmell make their way to the ring in their evening outfits. Joe and Nash follow. Booker says he has his wife and Joe has his with him as well. Booker says he has the contract right here, and says that Joe cannot beat him. The contract has some stipulations. Tables, Ladders, Chairs, ANYTHING to mess Joe up will be available. First he says to ask Nash to leave because this has nothing to do with him. Joe says Booker is a punk and to look at him when they speak. Joe says he will send Kev to the back, but Booker has to send his wench to the back as well. Booker asks if Joe is afraid of Sharmell, and kisses Sharmell. Booker then says that Joe can feel free to do the same, go ahead. Joe replies that he would, but Sharmell isn’t a good kisser. NASH APPROVES and leaves. Booker signs, hands it to Joe and…

LIGHTS OUT…

Back on and Joe is laid out while Booker is holding a bat. West and Tenay question why Sting would do this…

-End scene…

“

“

We get a recap of Victory Road. Needs more X Cup Elimination tag highlights.

Sharmell and Booker arrive in an Escalade with some bling bling on Ebay. Domino, muthafucka! Excuse me. TNA Impact begins…NOW!

PYRO!

Booker T is here in a PIMP leopard-print trench coat, with Sharmell looking boobtastic behind him. Booker proved that Samoa Joe could not beat him. That he is the greatest champion of all time. Jim Cornette is here to stop Booker T from declaring himself anything. He wants the belt so he can give it back to the real champion, Samoa Joe *pop*. He announces a rematch for Hard Justice. Good Lord, Joe is here in a SUIT. By Crom that looks wrong. Booker cuts Joe off and says Joe has been crying all week. Booker tells Joe to take the belt back since Joe knows he can’t beat Booker. Joe refuses, saying he never took a handout from a punk. There’s a CM Punk joke in there somewhere. Booker is in Joe’s head, apparently. I think, although I’m not sure and someone might need to confirm it, that Booker thinks Joe can’t beat him. He may have said it once or twice.

To The Back! Lauren is with Beer Money. Lauren thinks they have to be sore still. Roode says he hasn’t been able to sit down for four days. Neither has Westerfeld. Apparently tonight is Beer Money’s revenge, and they’re going to beat up senior citizens, fans, unicorns, fluffy bunnies and rainbows. Well that should make for riveting viewing.

12 minutes, no match. Commercial.

JB is with Kaz. Kaz admits he let TNA, Jerry Lynn, AJ Styles, Amazing Red, Senshi and Christopher Daniels down. He sees a light at the end of the tunnel, and he wants to know if he should embrace it, or is it a freight train coming his way? Dude, stay away from the bright light. And the crystal meth, but mostly the bright light.

Match 1: Kaz vs Petey Williams – X Division Championship

Rhaka Khan…Do. Not. Want.

Petey goes behind, Kaz backs him to the corner. Whip reversed, Petey runs up the ropes and misses the crossbody. They exchange counters, Kaz with a series of kicks for 2. Big whip by Petey and Kaz to the outside. SLINGSHOT RANA by Petey. He throws Kaz back in, kick, jawbreaker and a knee and Petey is in charge. Snap mare by Petey, another series of counters and a back elbow by Kaz puts him back in control. MORE counters, GREAT cartwheel counter to the Wave of the Future by Petey, Destroyer countered with a back drop. Petey goes for the Destroyer AGAIN, Petey stands up and DROPS Petey in the Jig N Tonic! Holy shit! Rhaka Khan is on the apron to stop the count, Kaz chases, Petey tries to take advantage but eats the Wave of the Future! 1….2…2.91! Wow. Kaz goes for the Flux Capacitor, Petey pushes him off, Kaz with a SICK leaping kick to Petey, who is sitting on the turnbuckle! Up again for the Capacitor, Petey slips out and goes for a powerbomb, series of rollup reversals…Petey holds the tights and gets the 3!

Winner: Petey Williams via pinfall (tight-grabbing rollup)
Rating: **½ Fun little opener, but way too short. It felt very much like they were trying to stuff as much as they could in the 7 or so minutes they got. At least a lot of it was good. 3 more minutes, and this would have been pushing 3 and a fraction.

JB is waiting for Petey, but Eric Young comes in instead, and apparently tonight is the first meeting of the Prince Justice Brotherhood. But JB can’t tell anyone, or EY will kill him. Serious business, he says. Oh for the love of God TNA, WHY must you do this to me?

Commercial.

JB is with Samoa Joe to talk about Sting. Nash arrives before Joe can answer. He said what he said to motivate Joe. Joe is doubting his ability to beat Booker, Nash tells him not to travel that road. Amazing how they all of a sudden patched things up. I am digging the Booker-Joe angle, but Sting needs to stay away from it.

Beer Money are beating up randoms in the production truck. Anyway…

Commercial. 32 minutes, 1 match.

JB sees a limo and presumes it’s sting. It’s 3D and Kurt Angle in Sting masks though, who blank him. He sees Shark Boy, Super Eric and Curry Man in the shadows. Oh God this is either going to rule or totally suck.

Super Eric: I have to drain the super hero gun
Sharky: Well hurry man
Curry Man: No, I am Curry Man

Totally suck it is then.

Match 2 – JIMMY RAVE~! Vs Matt Morgan

Morgan is coming out to Tick Tick Boom by Saliva now. Rave starts on the offensive, Morgan no sells and flattens him with the suplex to uranage.

Winner: Matt Morgan by pinfall (suplex to uranage)

Match 3 – Lance Hoyt Rock vs Matt Morgan

Rock is about to get squashed when Hemme distracts the ref. Rock gets some shots in and goes for a moonsault(!!!!) but misses. Suplex to uranage does for Rock as well. Extended squash.

Winner: Matt Morgan by pinfall (suplex to uranage)

Rating: ¼* Just because it got Jimmy Rave on my TV.

Cornette is in a room full of Knockouts who are arguing, until Traci shuts them up. Cornette makes a 10-woman match for tonight, with the winner getting a shot at Taylor next week. He also says he hopes none of them is married because all their husbands should commit suicide. Oh REAL tactful Cornette. Who was the second dark-haired women that was chest-bumping Velvet Sky? That’s gonna bug me for hours.

Commercial.

We’re getting a Karen angle talk segment called…Karen’s Angle. Oh sweet mother of mercy. It débuts next week. Thank God I won’t see it.

Beer Money are in the amusement park intending to beat random tourists. Security comes to stop them and get strapped. Lauren is being annoying. I get the idea behind this, but damn is it stupid. They obviously can’t strap fans.

Angle and Team 3D are coming to the ring in full Sting gear as we go to commercial. OK, why? Seriously, NOTHING has made sense in this Impact yet.

Commercial.

Angle and 3D are there to celebrate their victory and to welcome Sting to their fraternity. After 2 decades of kissing babies and hollering like an idiot, we are finally seeing the real Sting. Angle says Sting is pissed at the fans for not appreciating him, and he knows this because he spoke to Sting last night.

AJ, Christian and Rhino are out. Only Sting knows why he did what he did, and AJ trusts Sting’s motives. But they’re not here to talk about Sting. Brother Ray is on the mic and rips into all 3 men. Rhino has no brains, and Cage’s ego is bigger than Kong’s toilet seat. Random. Ray makes a 6-man tables match for Hard Justice. Cage calls Brother Ray Silent Bob! Gold. He says that the only orders Ray makes get the response “Please drive through”. Gold again! Cage moves the match to next week, and makes it elimination.

A video package on the history of the TNA Knockouts. Nicely done. SALINAS! That’s who it was earlier. Duh.

Match 4 - 10-Knockout Gauntlet Match for the #1 Contender spot

Gail and Jackie to start. Gail dicks a clothesline and they exchange forearms. Whip by Jackie, tilt a whirl headscissors by Gail. She goes for the straitjacket neckbreaker early but it gets blocked. Jackie locks in a GOGOPLATA! Angelina Love is next, she pushes Jackie out of the way and beats on Gail. Jackie is pissed so Love and Jackie start a shoving match. Kim with a double clothesline. Leaping clothesline to Love in the corner. Love comes back with a nice spin kick. Salinas’ tits are next, with Salinas right after. She takes it to everyone and eventually pairs off with Love. Kim has Jackie in trouble, but Jackie locks in a figure four necklock while hanging over the ropes! Jackie is AWESOME. Velvet Sky is next and goes straight to Salinas. Double team to Salinas by the People. Roxxi is out and she goes after the People, then sets up for the Barbie Crusher on Salinas who counters to a facebuster. Salinas gets eliminated by the People as Rhaka Khan comes out. This could be interesting. She goes straight for Gail, Roxxi tries to intervene but eats a boot and a nice axe kick. Traci is out now, ducks a Beautiful People clothesline and takes them both out, then goes after Rhaka Khan. Khan goozles her three times but it gets turned into a facebuster. Oh good, here comes Hemme. My evening is now complete. She attacks Traci and hits her splits leg drop. She turns her attention to Kim who bumps hard for Hemme. Why, I don’t know. Damn this is hard to call. ODB is the last entrant, and we have one elimination so far. ODB spits her drink in Hemme’s face, then attacks the People. Khan and ODB face off as we go to commercial.

Back from commercial and we see the eliminations of Khan, Hemme and Traci. After the clips, we see Jackie eliminate ODB with ease. Roxxi tries to throw Jackie, who skins the cat, kicks Roxxi in the hand then gets a headscissors to eliminate Roxxi! I told you Jackie is awesome! Roxxi gets pissed and eliminates Jackie from outside. For those not keeping track, it’s down to Gail and the Beautiful People. The People double team Gail, she avoids a charge and they collide. Gail and Love exchange shots mid ring, Gail hits a Codebreaker! Gail tries to eliminate Love, they tangle and Gail gets Love out! She celebrates, but Sky rolls her up for the quick 3!

Winner, and new #1 contender: Velvet Sky via pinfall (schoolgirl)
Rating: *** I’ve never had to review a battle royal before, and it’s HARD. The match was good, it was fast, it had some nice stories included, it set up a Roxxi-Jackie feud which should be great…not much to complain about except the 3 eliminations in the commercial when we had 1 in the time they got before it.

JB is with Booker and Sharmell. Booker picks Consequences Creed for a match tonight, and thinks he’s giving Creed a shot at the title. Booker calls 911 and requests an ambulance, because it’s a stretcher match. Wow, there’s a waste of a blow off gimmick match.

Commercial.

JB has Lethal, who calls him Mean JB. Val tries to defend Sonjay and says Lethal is being too hard on him. Not telegraphing a turn AT ALL.

Match 5 – Johnny Devine vs Eric Young vs The Guru Sonjay Dutt

WHY does Devine combine two old gimmicks to make his new one? It’s not bad, just weird. Why is Eric Young still residing in an undisclosed location? Why does Sonjay have no Guruites? All this and more, on the next Maury.

The heels attack Eric early and hit a double team back elbow. They hug but Sonjay with a small package on Devine for 2. Devine with a schoolboy for two. Devine throws Sonjay out and hits 2 running knees to Young for 2. Snap suplex by Devine. Devine to the top, moonsault catches knees and EY is on fire. Roaring clothesline to Devine! Whip, Eric charges but eats Devine’s boot. Young hits a DVD on Devine, but Dutt with the chop block and the quick cover for the win!

Winner: Sonjay Dutt via pinfall (chop block)
Rating: ½* Since when did a freaking chop block finish a 3-minute match? Since when die a triple threat only go 3 minutes? So much talent in the ring, and they do that? Ugh.

Post match, Jay Lethal is out to beat down Dutt, Devine makes the save but Lethal takes Devine out and goes to annihilate Dutt. Val comes running down the ramp and begs Jay to stop, but Jay ignores her and gets a chair. Val takes it from him. Man, if I was Jay I’d be all like “Bitch please! You better get yo bitch ass back in the kitchen, and make me some pie!” Val turns to leave, Dutt has the chair and whacks the ringpost, then tosses the chair to Jay. Ahh the old Eddie Guerrero ploy. Val falls for it hook line and sinker, and calls Jay an animal. Michael Hayes just marked out. Of course, Jay won’t think to have Val watch the tape. That would be smart.

Commercial.

Beer Money’s entrance theme rules all. Roode talks about being pissed at the fans and they go looking for some to whip. They grab an obvious plant in an LAX shirt and whip him until refs come out. They decide to whip the refs instead. Simon Diamond and Scott D’Amore are out, and they get whipped! They go to the Spanish commentary position and grab Hector Guerrero to beat the crap out of him. The cuffs are out and Roode goes to work on his back with the strap. Damn those shots are loud. Hectors back looks like it should be attached to a Christmas card. OK so NOW LAX come out for the save? What the hell were they doing?

JB is with Angle, 3D and Tomko. Angle says that Team 3D have never lost a tables match (Oh yes they have), and that Sting will be in their corner next week. He also gives Tomko an assignment to crash Karen’s talk show next week. Wow, he really IS in the TNA dog house.

Commercial.

Lauren is with Consequences Creed. Well aren’t we just the little bundle of energy! Creed shows more personality and energy in that short promo than CM Punk has shown in the last year, and I’m a Punk uber-mark.

Match 6 – Booker T vs Consequences Creed – Stretcher Match

I honestly have no idea how this match main events Impact. Of course we won’t get a clean finish, but they couldn’t have got someone else? Oh well, at least Creed got a chance to show some personality.

Waistlock takedown by Booker, then an armdrag. Side headlock now by Booker, Creed throws him into the ropes but Booker comes back with a shoulder. Shots in the corner by Booker, Creed fights back valiantly and hits Konnan’s Rolling Thunder clothesline! Booker bails to the floor as we go to commercial.

We come back to see Creed with Booker’s arm. Creed tries some jabs but gets a taste of Booker’s sole with a stiff kick. Spinebuster by Booker, then another big kick. More shots in the corner and Creed keeps fighting back! Booker ends that with the axe kick. Creed thrown to the outside and here comes the stretcher. Booker continues the beatdown, easily dumps Creed on the stretcher and that’s that.

Winner: Booker T via beatery
Rating * A main even squash in a pointless gimmick watch. Fuck you, TNA

Joe was waiting in the ambulance! He beats the hell out of Booker and throws him in the ambulance. As we fade, the ambulance speeds away while Joe is left holding a black bat that just appeared. What, no puff of smoke?

“

“

- In the opening 12 Man World X Cup Elimination Match, it was Alex Shelley of The Motor City Machineguns winning it, beating Yoshino of Team Japan to put Team TNA in the lead going into the final Ultimate X Match later in the broadcast.

- A series of videos aired featuring Booker T at home in Houston, Texas, showing off his regal estate.

- In a Knockouts match, Gail Kim defeated Angelina Love, despite interference by Velvet Sky. After the bout, Velvet and Angelina double-teamed Gail and tried to paper-bag her, but Gail escaped the ring.

- Backstage, BG James and Lauren were with the fans that would participate in the Fans Revenge Match later on

- In a Grudge Match, “The Guru” Sonjay Dutt got the win over “Black Machismo” Jay Lethal after a quick roll-up. Dutt kept telling Val he loved her during the bout, and at one point Val asked Lethal to stop punishing Dutt. However, that gave Dutt the opening to beat Lethal.

- In the Fan’s Revenge match for the TNA World Tag Team Championship, The Latin American Xchange defeated Beer Money. In the end, Robert Roode got dumped to the outside, where the fans lashed at him with the leather straps. Back inside, LAX double-teamed Roode with Homicide getting the pin to retain the gold.

- TNA newcomer Taylor Wilde surprised Awesome Kong by defeating her AGAIN to retain the TNA Knockout Women’s Championship after Taylor used Kong’s own weight to get the roll-up pin. After the bout, Raisha Saeed attacked Taylor and threw her back in the ring for Kong, who annihilated the Women’s Champion with a piledriver. When Kong attempted a second pildriver on a steel chair, Abyss hit the ring to save Taylor! Abyss ended up nailing the Black Hole Slam on Saeed and then carried off Taylor.

- In the Ultimate X Match, Volodor Jr won the bout to give Team Mexico the win and the World X Cup. Kaz pulled off one of the most amazing moves in TNA history when he hit a legdro from the top of the structure on Daivari. However, by doing that Kaz cost himself the bout, allowing Volodor to pull down the red X! After the bout, Mike Tenay and TNA spanish broadcast Willie Urbina interviewed Team Mexico while a visibly upset Kaz watched on.

- In the Full Metal Mayhem match (as voted for by the fans on our website), the team of Kurt Angle and Team 3D beat AJ Styles, Christian Cage and Rhino after interference by Frank Trigg. AJ Styles had climbed a ladder to come down on Kurt Angle (who was across a table), but Trigg nailed AJ with a kendo stick. Angle hit Styles with an Olympic Slam through the table to get the win.

- In the back, Jeremy Borash interviewed Samoa Joe about the World Title match. Kevin Nash came in to wish Joe luck. Joe asked Nash to stay in the back for the title match.

- In the main event, it was an all-out brawl as Samoa Joe and Booker T went to hell and back. Joe and Booker both got busted open during the bout and were bleeding. Watching on, Booker T’s wife Sharmell couldn’t stand it anymore and begged for Joe to stop, then slapped him! In response, Joe smashed Sharmell’s personal security. In addition, all of the TNA referees (minus Earl Hebner who was injured earlier) got annihilated by Joe, as the match got out of control. Security came in and couldn’t stop Joe. Sharmell eventually got in the ring and screamed for someone to help as Joe choked the life out of Booker.

Just then, the lights went out and Sting’s music hit! Sting tried to talk sense into Joe, but Joe gave Sting the finger! As a result, Sting smashed Joe with the baseball bat and stood there as Booker T covered Joe and Sharmell made the three count! Sharmell took the World Title from ringside and put it over Booker’s shoulder as they left the arena! Joe was out cold in the ring as Sting left as well!

Is Booker T the new TNA World Champion? What will happen between Sting and Samoa Joe? Tune in Thursday on “iMPACT!” to find out!

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We get a video package, highlighting the Beer Money – LAX feud. TNA Impact begins…NOW!

Straight into a parking lot brawl between Homicide and Roode. Homicide blocks an attempt to ram his head into a Jeep and reverses it. Beatery on top of a Sportage by Homicide. Trash can shot to the head of Roode. Roode regains control and hurls Homicide into the side of a trailer, then hits him to deep right field with a lead pipe. Roode swings for the fences with a plank and misses. OH MY GOD he tries the Gringo Killer in the parking lot, but Jackie breaks it up. That would have been nasty. A man in a bandanna (gee, wonder who that could be) attacks Homicide, and we have a three on one. Homicide gets handcuffed and beaten, then is dragged into the arena. They throw him into the ring, Storm has his belt off but chooses to superkick Homicide in the head first. He starts with the strapping, but I’ve seen stronger strap shots in fetish porn. I mean, heard about. From Westerfeld. Yeah, that’s it. Finally Hernandez has finished taking a dump or beating off to Salinas’ porno or whatever he was doing. and is out for the save until the numbers game~! gets the better of SuperMex. Whipped in, he runs through the attempt by Beer Money and clears the ring of evil heels. Hernandez and Guerrero tend to Homicide, and GUITAR as Sting is in the rafters again. Why? This couldn’t have waited for a less hot angle?

COMMERCIAL

We’re back and we get a package for the poorly-managed, problem-riddled World X Cup.

Match 1.5 – Masato Yoshino vs Doug Williams

Mark the fuck out! I need to see Chaos Theory in this match. Lockup and Doug starts off with some cheap shots before getting blitzed by the speed of Yoshino. Dude is not quick, he’s sudden. Williams counters the speed with a high knee. Cover gets 2. Snap mare followed by a slam and a leaping knee drop gets 2. Why do we need a replay of a knee drop? Gutwrench suplex gets another 2. Nicely done. German countered, Yoshino with a takedown and a ridiculously high missile dropkick gets 2.7. Palm strikes into a sloppy botched tilt-a-whirl for 2. Yoshino up top again, Williams crotches him and hits a double underhook superplex for 2. Powerbomb try countered into a sunset flip by Yoshino for 2. Charge by Yoshino misses, CHAOS MUTHALOVING THEORY!!!!!!!!!! gets the 3. I am a happy panda.

Winner: Doug Williams via pin (Chaos Theory)
Rating: ** The botch really hurt this match in my view, but otherwise it was solid.

We get a backstage segment with Angle telling Angelina and Velvet to do some squats. The marks hate them because they’re hot, allegedly. I’m hating them right now….with MY WANG. They start doing squats and Jeremy has a small tent pole issue. GET THE BAG~!

COMMERCIAL. No mid-match breaks so far, 2 matches in 23 minutes…I approve!

Lauren is in a yoga class with the Guru. After some tremendously unfunny crap, Lethal appears and annihilates Dutt. He drops a rack of balls on him, and the symbolism speaks for itself.

Now Lauren is with Taylor. She sure gets around in her lunch hour. Taylor is nervous, shaky and sweaty, much like Batista at a Wellness test.

Another video package, this time for the 6-man tag on Sunday. Of course, you can check out the live pay per view coverage RIGHT HERE on 411mania.com! TNA do a good job with these packages, and with the PPV this weekend you can forgive the forsaking of match time to build the event.

COMMERCIAL

A Rough Cut segment for Matt Morgan airs. His wife’s kinda hot.

Match 2.5: Falls Count Anywhere 6-man Tag – Kip James, Petey Williams (w/ Rhaka Khan) and Tomko vs BG James, Eric Young and Matt Morgan

Damn, Tomko has fallen out of favour. I presume we get a PPV match out of this mess, since none of them is on the card. Hell, when was the last time any of them were on Impact? Morgan appears to be working the Brock Lesnar gimmick still.

Morgan and Kip square off in the ring, Tomko and BG outside along with Williams and Young. Morgan in control in the ring, he goes OLD SCHOOL on Kip. Vintage Morgan~! Tomko breaks it up and lays in the beatings to Morgan, then whips him into the railing. Petey is thrown into Morgan but that gets countered. Morgan nails Tomko and gets a 2 count on the outside. Young throws Petey into the crowd and continues the beatings, Petey regains control and applies a Sharpshooter on the arena steps! We get away to watch BG and Kip hitting each other, and when we come back to EY and Petey the hold is broken and EY is in control. The camera work is all over the place on this match and making it impossible to call.

Young and Petey are inside, Petey goes for the SickFlipPiledriver the Canadian Destroyer, EY counters into a wheelbarrow neckbreaker for 2. Now that was new. Very pleasant. Tomko breaks the pin up, but gets thrown out. EY tries to follow but Tomko has Rhaka’s lead pipe. That’ll stop you cold. WOW! Petey with a slingshot huracanrana to the outside and that gets the three!

Winners: Petey Williams, Tomko and Kip James via pinfall (Petey on Young, slingshot rana to the outside)
Rating: ** Hard to go any higher, the camera angles kept changing and I couldn’t really tell what was happening. The finish was nice though. I’d like to see EY get a shot against Petey on Sunday.

Post-match, Tomko and Petey have evil intentions, but CHRIS ABYSS is out for the save. He goes to pick up the lead pipe but appears uncomfortable holding a weapon.

COMMERCIAL

Match 3: TNA Knockouts Championship – Taylor Wild vs Awesome KONG!

For someone who’s supposedly not on the payroll, they sure got theme music and an entrance video together for Taylor in a hurry.

Kong charges Taylor in the corner to start, goes for an early Kong Bomb but Taylor escapes and goes schizo on Kong. Kong pushes her off but Taylor keeps coming back until Saeed trips Taylor from outside. EVIL HEEL~! Roxxi is out to even the odds, and we cut to commercial.

Back to the action and Kong is in control with a concerned Roxxi on the outside. I just noticed that Roxxi’s shirt says “No carpet. No Drapes.” NUMEROUS PURCHASES~! Big hair beal by Kong. Whip to the corner, Kong follows her in and just crushes her into the turnbuckles. The newly 2D Taylor gets slammed, Kong to the second rope, splash misses! A brace of dropkicks by Taylor, followed by a missile dropkick gets 2.89 for Taylor! Leg kicks by Taylor have no effect as Kong just smacks her down. Kong Bomb try, reversed into a sunset flip try, Kong blocks and tries to sit down on it, Taylor moves! Basement dropkick flush to the jaw gets 2.91! Taylor tries a German with predictable results, Kong turns it into the Implant Buster! She caught that good…2.935 only! Backhand, backhand…URAKEN MISSES! SCHOOLGIRL! 1…2…3!!!!!! NEW CHAMPION!!!

Winner, and NEW champion: Taylor Wild via pinfall (schoolgirl rollup)
Rating: ***¼ I was NOT expecting that. I was thinking a DQ win for Taylor, but then I realised that they would still have to change the title on a DQ. Good, quick match which told a good story of Taylor never giving up and Kong being vicious but beatable. It will be interesting to see where they go from here.

COMMERCIAL

After a recap of the shocking title change, JB is backstage with Kaz and Team TNA, Kaz talks about people bragging about what they did 10 years ago. That’s a shoot, brahs!

World X Cup match – Ultimo Guerrero vs Kaz

So Team Mexico only has 2 guys? Weird. I guess Averno and Mistico had visa issues.

Standard indy exchanges to start. Kaz goes for a superplex VERY early, Guerrero turns it into a top-rope gourdbuster for 2! Fabulous. Chops in the corner by Guerrero, followed by a headstand Bronco Buster for 2. Guerrero is busy trying to quiet the crowd, so Kaz regains control briefly, but Guerrero catches a top rope inverted suplex for 2 more! Side slam countered by Kaz, dropkick and a clothesline. Whip reversed by Kaz into a kick combo for 2. Kaz charges, Guerrero elevates him to the apron but Kaz hits the neck snap then BLOWS a springboard, but I think it was intentional. Guerrero gets a quick 2. Kaz is selling the knee, but manages to climb up for a super rana…BLOCKED! SUPER BOMB across the ring gets 2. Moonsault missed by Guerrero, Kaz hits the Wave of the Future and gets the 3!

Winner: Kaz via pinfall (Wave of the Future)
Rating: *3/4 There was no flow to this match. A few months ago I would have gone much higher with the rating, because of the moves, but there was nothing to connect them. It just seemed like they were pulling them out with nothing in between except Guerrero shushing the crowd. Kaz “hurting” his knee and then ignoring it pissed me off as well.

Lauren is with AJ, Gail and ODB. AJ puts over the ladies saying it’s about them, not him. Gail is noticeably reading from a script on the floor, but at least she doesn’t sound like it. ODB promises a facial for Love and Sky. I have no doubt ODB is able to provide one, and I would be glad to help her out.

COMMERCIAL

A video package for Ultimate X, followed by the final hard sell for Victory Road. Cornette is out to make the rematch for Sunday, Kong vs Wild.

Angle is backstage again, telling off the Beautiful People for tanning. “SCREW YOUR BOOBS!” - Kurt Angle. That may be the greatest line ever. EVER.

COMMERCIAL

Another video package, this time for Joe vs Booker. Apparently Booker is going to apologise to Joe now. Booker calls Joe out in his posh voice, but loses points for not calling him Samoa Joseph. Booker does respect Joe, and he wants to apologise for his past behaviour. Yes, he’s sorry for what’s going to happen this Sunday night. Shock. Booker thinks Joe can’t beat him. Who have you beaten Joe? Booker lists the people he has beaten and Joe looks about as impressed as one of Ashley Massaro’s clients. Joe tells Booker he’ll be sorry alright. Oh look, Sting again. Yippee. PLEASE don’t add him to the match, I beg you. Booker presumes he wants the winner, but Sting says those are Booker’s words, and walks off. Whatever man.

COMMERCIAL. I didn’t see Hellboy, but the previews for 2 are not interesting me much.

Now we have a package for Kim vs Love. Could they not have spread this out over 2 weeks?

MAIN EVENT: Kurt Angle and the Beautiful People vs AJ Styles, ODB and Gail Kim

ODB and Love start, ODB catches a crossbody and hits a fallaway slam. Tag to Kim and to Sky, who looks amazing tonight. Gail dominates Sky so she tags in Angle. AJ is in now and they exchange armbars. Slam by AJ, high leaping kneedrop and AJ gets 2. BEAUTIFUL dropkick by AJ gets 2 more as Frank Trigg and Karen Angle make their ways out.

COMMERCIAL

Back from break and Angle is in control with a body scissors/chinlock combo. We see that during the break, Frank Trigg distracted AJ to let Angle take control. Angle Slam try reversed into a DDT by AJ, and both men are down. They exchange big shots mid-ring, AJ with the roaring clothesline to take control. Pele! ITJUSTCOMESOUTOFNOWHEREMIKE! Styles Clash countered, double clothesline and both men are down again. That should make Love and Sky feel right at home. Hot tags and the faces are HOUSES~! EN~! FUEGO!!! AJ with the flip to the outside onto AJ, Gail hits the strait-jacket neckbreaker for the 3.

Winners: Gail Kim, ODB and AJ Styles via pinfall (Kim on Sky, strait-jacket neckbreaker)
Rating: **½ Again, nothing special. Standard, paint-by-numbers PPV hype match. Everyone faced their opponents for Sunday, one of the people not involved in the PPV took the fall, and the heels ended up on top. Nothing outstanding, but nothing bad, so the rating goes right in the middle.

Post-match, the heels attack, and Angle goes to break AJ’s freaking ankle while the Beautiful People beat down Gail Kim. Karen is in, LOW BLOW! AJ goes for the Styles Clash, but Trigg breaks it up and hits Angle with a snap fireman’s carry. Pretty crisp their MMA boy. Angle locks in the ankle lock while Love and Sky give Gail the bag as we go off the air.

Final Thoughts
Well, it hyped the PPV alright. I know I was willing to give TNA the pass for all the videos, but they went way beyond that pass. Is there any reason that the two matches made tonight could not have been announced last week? We could have had a 6-woman tag with Taylor, ODB and Kim vs Kong and the Beautiful People, leaving the title change for Sunday. Kaz-Guerrero was just a bunch of moves with nothing in between. Everything else was pretty much…there. Thumbs solidly in the middle.

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